It's Testimony Time

On Instagram for the last couple days I've been saying I have a big story to share. It's one I've told bits and pieces of over the months and years, but never really, fully laid out on the table. I was waiting till I was no longer a teacher to really release it, but it could also be said I was just using that as an excuse not to expose myself. After all, all I want to represent and be is somewhat contradictory to who I've been in my past. It's easier to just let the people that are now in my life think that who I am right now is who I've always been. And in many ways, it is. But there's so much more to my story, and the time has finally come to stop being scared, and tell it. So here it is, my honest, raw testimony...

Just before I was baptized in the Jordan River at the place they believe Jesus Christ Himself was baptized -- Yardenit!

I'll NEVER forget how I felt leading up to this very moment. Just before this, I was shaking and crying so much. I was terrified. I was unsure. I was weak. I doubted if I should do it, b/c I was doubting I could really change, really stop it all, really Follow Christ. How could I possibly change after all? How could I quit all the habitual things that had made up my life for the last 12 years? How could I overcome everything and be stronger than it? And did I even want to? What was scarier: leaving behind everything that had been so familiar, fear of failure, or fearing that I might not really want to change? I think it's safe to say it was a combination of it all. I'm only 26-years old, yet have so many years of substance abuse and self-disrespect to overcome.

I started drinking and smoking when I was 14, had a sexually abusive encounter when I was perhaprs 15, started having sex when I was 16, and doing hard drugs when I was 17. I was living life in the fast lane. My senior year of high school saw the heavy blow of the hyphy movement, which meant ecstascy pills, and lots of them. I continued on a steady stream of that, endured a few months of anorexia and nine in an on-again-off-again verbally/emotionally abusive relationship, and then went off to college with all that baggage and more.

At uni, I was blacked out at least 2 or 3 times a week, still popping ectascy like crazy, now in larger doses and in more extreme settings, and just murdering my organs and brain cells on a regular basis. I had no idea who I really was, and knew I was lost, but didn't know what else I could do but keep following the flow. My sophomore year of college, I was so into cocaine, I snorted some in my room at my parents' house on Thanksgiving before going to my grandma's to celebrate. I had developed substance-dependent social anxiety, and was even scared to be alone around my best friends. I would panic if I knew I would be in a one-on-one situation with anyone for even a moment. I still remember thinking constantly, "What in the world am I going to say to them? What can I say? I have nothing to say. What do we talk about? How do people do this????" I thought I had nothing to say and no good contribution to make, since I was The Party Girl. I was the one you called to have a good time, not to have a serious heart-to-heart or share secrets. Everyone loved to be around me, but I was uncomfortable with my weirdness when I was sober. I had no idea how to be myself or express myself soberly. So instead, I constantly suggested shots, splifs, and any other substances. I often told myself I was happy, sometimes I'd question if I was and think so, but usually deep down I had a feeling it wasn't quite the case.

I grew up a Christian, but at about 17 my relationship with Christ dwindled away, and I spent my college years almost completely disconnected from God. I'd been living a life that necessitated lying for so long that it caused a major rift between my family and I, and I had actually become mean to them. And though I knew God could help me, was the only hope I had, I was too ashamed to turn to Him. I wasn't proud of most of what I was doing, but was too caught up to stop. Or even know how to step away. I was scared of sobriety, and even more terrified I'd lose all my friends and connections if I no longer participated in that life. I thought they wouldn't like the real me, without realizing it was the real me they loved in the first place.

Over the years, alcohol lost its unrelenting grip on me, and after my spiritual awakening was underway, I was able to realize I didn't even like it. Little-by-little, I found my way back to God, and started letting other things go. But habits are habits, and even if you know you don't like something, it's still so hard to stop if it's all you've known -- all that's defined you -- for so long. That's how it went with cigarettes. I kept trying to smoke them for months after I'd decided to quit because it was "what I did", even though I hated everything about them.

Last New Year's, I crossed the midnight marker on a cocktail of drugs -- some I'd done before, some I'd never even heard of before that night -- and had a strong feeling that I wanted to stop. So I told my friends I'd decided I wasn't going to do drugs in 2015, and have a sober year. I'd been doing drugs for over a decade, and was curious/wanted to try life without them for once.

I lasted all through the summer festival season without drugs. I went to one of the headiest fests I've ever been to, where everyone around me was doing DMT, a drug I've never done but have wanted to try for a while, that was made by my friend, and still said no. I went to a festival with a group of people I didn't know, exactly the type of setting I'd have gone all-out in before to bond, and stayed strong. And I went to a festival in another country all alone, and stayed stone-cold sober the whole week. So I knew/know I could do it, but I didn't make it through the year without caving.

Now, I am SO excited to share that it's been over 3 years since I've done ecstacy (!!!!!!!!), 5 months since I smoked ANYTHING, and in the last year, I've been properly drunk only once, and it was an accident! :D But how do I tell myself it's time to stop,doing psychedelics, when I often use them to comune with God? And that's where I'm at right now in my walk with Christ, that's where the trust comes in, and that's what this picture and moment represent to me...

The time has come for me to FINALLY stop giving in to the desires of the flesh, and start living, breathing, and satisfying the needs of the spirit. Men and psychedelics have been weaknesses of mine for so long, but I have decided to be stronger than it all! I decided to get dunked in the waters of the Jordan River in Israel, the same water, in the same place, that the Lord my God and my Savior, Jesus Christ, was baptized so long ago! I have decided to turn to Him over all other things, and allow His Strength to fill me when I am weak and wanting! I have decided to fully step into His Light, and find out what He has in store for my life.

The last three years have been the most amazing, beautiful, blessed journey of my life, and I know and believe it's all because I've been working on walking with Him. So I am SO excited to see what He's going to do in and around me now! Look out world, there's a new follower in town!!

It was so special to be able to share this monumentous moment in my life with my sister, mom, and grandma. All of whom are swuch beautiful, wonderful warriors for Christ.

{{ If you are stuggling with your walk or anything at all, please don't be afriad to reach out to me. I will offer you help in any way I can, and am continually praying for all His lost children to feel comforted and find their way back home to Him. <3 }}

Blessings, Love, Light, Wonder, & Prayers to all,

I love you!!!

-Allie-Sun <3