You Never Know

It's been over six weeks since my summer wanderings began, and I'm finding it so hard to believe that in one week I will be boarding a one-way flight to California. Such an intense blend of emotions has been washing over and running through me in the last few weeks, and I don't sense it will stop anytime soon. So much has happened in and around me, and so much has entered my eyes and filled my heart, and all at quite a rapid pace.

I've found myself alone screaming in a car, next to a new friend shouting in joy from the top of a mountain we hiked 6 1/2 hours to reach, alone meditating in peace next to the sea, alone and/or with friends or the person I love laying in a hammock, crosses bridges and taking ferries, laying down and looking with a joy-filled heart up at the trees, by myself driving through a new country with tears streaming down my face and unbearable torment ripping at my heart, writing dark poetry, then changing to light-filled praise, floating face-up in the salt water of the Adriatic sure everything is fine, then crumbled in on myself in the next moment, and every other imaginable thing in between. I have cried so much, laughed so hard, and felt like I was being slung shot around on an emotional tether. I have run and poi-ball-danced alone in an open field with massive mountains surrounding me, I have swum across the sea (of course not its enterity), I have hiked mountains and scaled others, I have danced with my barefeet on the forest floor, I have been eaten alive by mosquitoes and God knows what else, made many new friends, reconnected with old ones, and been everywhere from surrounded by family, held in prayer before being baptized, to far, far awar from any other person, naked in the sun.

I started the adventure in Israel, then took it over to Istanbul, Turkey. From Istanbul I went to Bosnia and Herzegovina (BiH), then to Croatia, then back to BiH, back to Croatia, up to Slovenia, back down to Croatia, and finally, over to Italy, where I am now. And while I was expecting to be mind-blown by Israel and Istanbul and their cultural differences to that which I'm used to (European now more than American), it was actually BiH, Croatia and Slovenia which left me speechless and in awe of the new worlds I was seeing. But absolutely nothing has come as more of a shock to me than being told that my grandpa has a cardiac aneurysm which could burst at any time and kill him in an instant, and that my grandma is moving into a sort of assisted living facility, because she is getting too weak to keep living in the house she's called home for far longer than I've been alive. Of all the things I've seen and done in my life, what's to come will likely be the biggest adventure of them all. Because while I'm used to living with many varying levels of uncertainty, the lives of those I love have never really been among them.

Back in October in my first weeks of the new school year, I was sitting on my bed, feeling a little off. I wasn't sure what was going on inside, so I decided to have a little meeting with myself and check back in. As I'd often done before when trying to get a clear reading on what I should do or what it was I wanted, I sat there and asked myself, "Allison, what do you want?" And the answer came as clear and quick as day, "I want to go home." Ok, done. Not the response I was expecting, but it's what came, there's no denying it's clarity or the peace that seems to wash over me when I think about/accept/embrace it, so ok, done. I'm going to go home. I wrote my family, told them what I was thinking of doing, and then continued to live the next eight months knowing they would be my last ones living in Spain and working in the way I was. Little did I know at the time how right this choice to go home would prove to be.

My grandma is about the closest thing to a best friend that I've got. I have long since stopped contacting friends from my hometown when I return (with the exception of a few), but don't hesitate to call my grandma from the car on my way home from the airport. I am eager as can be to get over to my grandma's house, and one of the first questions I ask my parents is, "When do I get to see grandma?" We are pals, we are gals, we are gal pals, and we have a great time together. We have always had a special connection, and I don't allow myself to think about life without her, because it seems too painful to fathom. So to hear that she is getting weaker by the day and likely suffering from dementia, is hard to believe and accept. And now, with this new news about my grandpa and his heart condition, I find myself more eager for next Thursday to come than I could have thought possible.

There are so many wonderful people, relationships, and places I am leaving behind on this side of the world, but there are some incredibly important ones waiting for me on the other, and they are the ones I will honor.

I had no idea what would come to pass in my family in the months that followed my decision to return, and no way of knowing how appropriate the choice would be come this time this year. But with all that is happening, I am so grateful for the quick and clear response that came through to me upon asking, "Allison, what do you want?", and though it has grown into an incredibly hard decision to make and follow through with, I am now overwhelmed with gratitude that home is the direction I'm heading. I do not know what is going to happen in the next few months I'm home, nor which members of my entourage of grandparents will even be around at the end of the five or six months I'm planning on being there, but I am so happy that I will at least be there.

Often I write to try and inspire people to listen to the voice inside of them, because I feel it usually wants us to break out -- break free -- but there are those times when it wants to send us back, and we have to honor that as well. When we can learn to really discern our inner voice (which is sourced from whatever you may call it, I choose to call it as I believe it should be called [based on my faith], the Holy Spirit), separate it from all the other noise clammering for our attention (usually the Ego), and hear it loud and clear, we absolutely cannot afford not to listen to it. Because I PROMISE you that if you listen to the promptings of your soul, of the Holy Spirit, you will never be lead astray. Sometimes it may seem like you're making a strange or uncharacteristic choice, but we aren't fortune tellers. We have no idea how a decision we make now will manifest and transform, nor what external factors will come into play in the time we make the decision and begin to act on it. Let this be an example to you, and please, let it inspire you to check in with yourself often, and honor the answers that come through. You never know what will happen.

I hope that you are all having a wonderful time being alive, remembering to treat the time on Earth with TLC, and honor your being while you're here. Take nothing for granted, give thanks as often as you can, laugh at everything possible, and enjoy being alive. You are happiness, it is in you already. See you soon, California!

I love you family

Blessings, Love, Light & Wonder to all,

-Allie-Sun <3