Embracing Unattachment

I'm sitting here, surrounded by semi-organized piles of all the things that have surrounded me and made up my material world for the last 31 months. Two fairly big suitcases are next to me, both containing roughly 23 kilos of I-don't-even-know-what-anymore, a duffle bag contains another 13, and my backpacking pack about 12. There's a banjo sitting on the bed upstairs that I've been carting around for the last year, yet am still unable to play a single song. So tonight I'll pay to take it right back where it came from, and hope before I leave home the next time I can at least hold down the chords.

In roughly nine hours I'm on a flight home. Soon I say goodbye to Spain, goodbye to Europe, goodbye to the life, culture, people and work that I've known for the last 2 1/2 years, and prepare myself for a period of months from which I don't know what to expect, including their length. There's a lot of "I don't know"'s right now, and while to some it induces anxiety, I've become incredibly accustomed to uncertainty, and quite a fan of walking into the unknown. In spite of what's to come -- this grand farewell for now -- I find myself feeling incredibly calm, full of a beautiful peace, sure that the path I've traveled the last weeks and months and years has been the right one, and the one I'm following is also correct. I still have A LOT of work to do on myself, but so much progress has been made. As Joyce Meyer's says, "I'm not where I need to be, but THANK GOD I'm not where I was. I'm ok, and I'm on my way!"

It's quite strange to sit here and think of the things to come. There are so many things to reflect on, and so many things to feel. In the last seven weeks, I've had zero lack of emotion, and actually felt some things I didn't even know we humans are capable of feeling. But in this moment, the thing that perturbs me the most is in regards to My Stuff.

At my parents' house, there are I-don't-know-how-many boxes waiting for me. An accumulation of the things I acquired during my years at uni, as well as what went into my studio apartment in LA post-college/pre-Spain. Some of what's there I haven't seen in three years, and since I can hardly recall what it might be, I'm pretty sure it's not important/necessary.

Same goes for the lifetime of things that we moved from our old house to the new one over Christmas. What's even in those boxes and bags?

I am more than tempted to just tell my parents to please evacuate everything from the room I'm going home to. Donate it all, sell it off, just get it out of there before I get home. I don't know what it is, nor do I really want to. I feel an intense energetic supression coming from all The Stuff that's waiting for me. After spending the last seven weeks living out of a backpacking, ditching things as I go, and not even touching half of what I'd packed, I can't imagine a life with a full closet, chest of drawers, or more than a few things to wear and carry. I even feel a strong sense of abandonment towards the things I've had waiting for me here at my friend's parents' house in Rivas (Madrid). After just seven weeks with my backpack, I've lost track of everything I have that's not in it. I know none of it is necessary.

It's been a long time coming, my shift to a more minimalistic and less-cluttered life, and now this feeling of wanting nothing more than a backpack under 15 kilos is stronger than ever. I wonder how much of it also has to do with the fact I'm reading Wild right now... Either way, I know I don't need stuff. I just need arms wrapped around me, love in my heart, and some food to eat.

My dream for a few years now has been backpacking/volunteering my way through Asia, Australia, New Zealand, and South and Central America. But as I've written about before, home is where I now go. I know this grand adventure will happen, because with the immense longing I feel for it, I can't let it go unhad. I don't know when it will start, but I believe I will have an even grander garage sale before I do. It's time to really clip my wings, relieve myself of the energetic oppression that comes from having too many things, and release myself from the weight of all these inanimate and ultimately, unsatisfying objects. I feel it so strongly, I may actually eliminate a suitcase entirely. Hopefully if I don't, what I make in a yard sale will cover the cost of paying to check an extra bag. ;)

I'm trying not to allow my thoughts go to a whimsical, reflective, nostaligic place, because with so much to look back on from the last 2 1/2 years, the weight of my gratitude will move me to tears in an instant. But I know the moment will come, and as I'm listening to Bon Iver on repeat, I assume it will come quite soon. I've less than half a day left in my beloved Spain, and no idea when I'm going to be back. However, I know I will always come back, and that it will always be here.

Thank you so much, so deeply, to all who have played a part in my life these last 31 months. I can't fully comprehend all the ways you've touched me just yet, but will with time, and my love and appreciation for you will only continue to grow over time. It's been such a blessing to be alive in this way these last years, and I am so excited to carry all I've acquired (on an existential level) with me into the next series of events and adventures. All of this has meant so much to me, and I will never regret having made the choice I did, no matter how hard it was and sometimes still is.

Sending so much sweetness, love, and gratitude out to you all, I hope you are feeling inner peace and living from your truest self.

Blessings, Love, Light and Wonder to all,

Allie-Sun <3