Dealing With Dementia

If you've been keeping up, you know I've moved back to California to "take care of" my grandmother for a period of months before I embark on the next elongated adventure. And if you haven't, well, now you know. Anyways, I came home with such high hopes and expectations of spending six months making money hanging out with one of my favorite people on Earth -- my grandma -- and then heading off happily into the sunset with my backpack on and maybe a ukelele in tow and a couple new tattoos. A lot of this image remains, but now instead of walking off into the sunset, I more imagine myself running. Or sprinting. Or on any fast-moving-wheeled/moving-mobile that will get me back on the road AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. This experience has transformed quite a lot from what I thought it would be, and is actually proving to be incredibly difficult. Let's just put it this way: I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

My grandmother has, for a while now, been suffering from dementia. And while you might think it could look like this when your mind and memories start to go...

It actually looks far more like this...

Or even this...

Yeah. That's more like it.

(Sorry for the grapic-ness.)

Before I go further, I should put out a disclaimer of sorts to say that 1. I am not certified in anything related to this topic, how to care for these people (I hate the way that sounds), how to handle it, none of that, and 2. I have done zero studying about people with dementia or how to handle it, and will only speak about the matter based on my personal experience. That said, let's continue...

People with dementia seem to live in a reality that no one else can really tap into, because well, it doesn't really exist. They will not remember things correctly, and will start to fuse bits and pieces of memories together to form new ones they will then repeat out to others as fact. They tend to spend a lot of time living at this intersection:

For example: my family spent nearly a year and a half looking for a senior's living facility for her to move into, because it was getting to the point where she couldn't manage everything on her own. So they went to see places, then took her to see them, and finally she decided to move into one of them. Well, she's been there for two weeks and three days, and is miserable. She thinks she never saw the place she's moved into until the day she was moving in, though she'd been twice before. And since she move in, she can't stop talking about how much she hates it. To top it off, up until some point yesterday or today, she was blaming everything on my uncle, who had nothing to do with the selection or finding of where she now lives. She kept on talking about how much she liked some place "up the hill from my parents' house, how all the people were outside talking and laughing, everyone was so nice there, etcetcetc. At that place they have a place where you can eat, and it's the place where there's the man in the wheelchair who has a gay son, too."

Now here's the reality of it all...

For starters, where my parents live is a farming town, and the land is all flat. There's not even an incline in the sidewalk to be seen 'round these here parts. And other than the mounds of dirt in the almond field across the street, the only "hill" I've seen around here is the overpass for the freeway, so I'm not really sure where she gets that from. Oh, wait, I lied, I do know where the hill comes from... Sonora. Another city entirely that's not exactly next-door to where we are.

Nextly, my father has told me that the place she's referring to was dead as dead can be when they went to visit it, because it was over 100 degrees and everyone was inside. Apparently when they were pulling away, she said it was so sad there, there was no one outside, and she thought it was depressing. So...not so lively and laughter-filled. (We've no idea where this idea came from, other than the assumption that it's her ideal world aka dreamland aka all in her head.) Gosh, it's so sad. :/

And finally, the man in the wheelchair exists, but he did not say he also has a gay son. Instead he said, "Yes, of course they are," when she asked him, "Do you allow gays here?" IMEANSERIOUSLYWHATTHEWHAT. So inappropriate. I can't even.

The memories I have of my grandmother are of us going out to breakfast and having a great time, then going and running around to take care of her errands, and then going to lunch or dinner or coffee + a pastry or donut. They are full of laughter, jokes, flirting with all the guys and gals around, and having a great time. Loving embraces, me crushing her lap with the weight of my body, and saying things in a normal speaking voice (instead of slightly-yelling all the time), and usually only one time (because they were remembered).

It's such a sad thing to admit, but this experience is really highlighting her less appealing qualities, and it's already affecting our relationship and the way I view her. She is my grandmother, the center of my world, and I love her so deeply and dearly, but all that's going on right now is really harshing my mellow and unhealthy for the mind/body/spirit (of all involved). I will likely regret saying this so publicly one day, like when she dies, or sooner, like now as I reread and edit, but it's the fact of the matter, and I think it happens to more people than it should as someone in the family grows old and their mind goes.

I still view this as a wonderful opportunity to practice gratitude and acceptance in the face of adversity, but I am concerned about my positive energy being affected by all the negativity I'm living amidst. I just hope that my prayers are strong enough and my positivity powerful enough with some help from God to get me through these months with immeasurable amounts of love in my heart and understanding on my mind.

I don't really know the best way to deal with someone who has dementia and chooses to be negative and miserable instead of grateful and happy, but it seems a little like this:

• You cannot get too caught up on trying to correct their "wrongness." It will drive you mad, and it won't work anyways. So save your energy and just go to a happy place in your mind when you're running a circle around the same conversation you've had every half-hour or so for the last ___ days/weeks/months/years.

• If the person is deceitful, don't agree with them if they make rash comments or statements. It will only play into it and fuel their dark fire. Practice the art of happy ignorance (or happily ignoring, whichever you prefer;).

• Take as many deep breaths as you can, and focus on them. They will give your cells new energy, and hopefully aid in relaxation, which as anyone whose dealt with a demented person knows, is quite important and necessary.

• Don't take your work home with you. This is hard for me because she's my grandma and we come to my parents' house for dinner and whatnot often enough, so physically, my work is coming home with my a lot. But it doesn't mean emotionally it has to! There is no need to reiterate everything that's happened during your stressful and frustrating day when you walk in the door. Just pick a nice topic, and stick to it. Don't let something that is hard control your every bit of energy. Not healthy or beneficial. Tell your Ego to shut-up, and stick to something lovely!

• Keep them occupied. Older people can be quite like children: they need to be occupied. You hit a point in life where you're mostly just waiting to die, so why not enjoy the time? Go for drives, go to eat, do whatever activity they like, and just try to keep them from stopping long enough to dwell on whatever negative source might be present at the time.

• Try to shine right on through it all! There's no point in letting anything dull your light, no matter how dark and powerful it might seem. Remember [Allison]: there is no such thing as darkness, darkness isn't actually a thing. There is light, and there is without light, but darkness is only the result of no light, and any amount of light will drive out the dark. ;)

I once read something that said it would be nice if the course of our lives were reveresed. Since, as both an infant and an elderly, you may or may not need someone to aid you in the restroom department (THANK GOD that's not part of my duties!!!!!), feed you, dress you, and do anything else imaginable for you. But regardless of your level of neediness, you need help both as a child and an old person (sorry, I know this term is now considered politically incorrect and offensive, but really, screw it. I don't care right now). So why not reverse the order of life? Then we can go through all our life with all the wisdom we gain during the course of it, maybe live our young-adulthood in a smarter way, and be less of a pain as an adolescent, and then curl up and die just the same. I often think about this concept, more now than before of course. Though I'm not sure I'd rather be taking care of a small child this many hours a week.

If any of you have any insight, I'd love to hear it. And if you're struggling with anything in life, I pray for you, and send you sweet strength!

Blessings, Love, Light & Wonder to all

I love you so many famILY and am so blessed by your existence on this amazing Earth we call hOMe. Have a great week darlings :-*

-Allie-Sun <3