I'm Not Used to This Life Anymore

August 20th. Bedtime.

If only I felt ready to go to sleep.

Every night the same... a little yoga, a little fiddling, then I curl into bed thinking I'll go right to sleep after some reading. And every night, I don't. Instead, I lay here, thoughts running around in my mind, mind wandering to wherever minds wander to and back, daydreaming while lying down. But I have got to sleep. I can't keep going like this. It's ruining me.

I think because the pace of my days is such a slow one (being dictated by 93-year old GG and all), that the moment I'm not with her, I get these huge bursts of energy. As most do when they're walking away from their job for the day. And of course, it's often at the worst moments, ie. when it's too late and I should already be asleep. Well, almost every day. Except today. And yesterday. These days, I just feel so tired, agitated, and fuzzy.

This is all turning out to be far more trying than I expected. And for reasons I didn't even consider:

1. I'm used to walking EVERYWHERE and not using/having a car. Now I'm in California, where we literally drive everywhere. Not to mention that my whole life consists of handicapped stalls/getting as close to the door as possible, and barely walking at all. My companion isn't exactly physically active, nor can she handle being on her feet for very long. And, driving is really exhausting. You have to pay attention to so much, and now that the state is wildly over-crowded, traffic is synonymous with the activity, and to be expected at all hours. It's crazy.

2. I am not used to spending money on much more than travel and in health shops, and am used to cooking almost every meal. Now, my life/job/time revolves around consuming -- a disease I rather thought I'd gladly gotten over. I pick her up, then we drive here to spend money this, then there to spend money on that, then out to lunch, where we spend more money. Then maybe we finish up with more useless consumption-based errands, and so on and so forth. And it's not that I don't appreciate the coat she got me, how she buys Hawaiian cookies for the people where she lives, or all the good food we're eating, I just need more substance in my life. And cannot handle bearing witness to such spending every day. Money does not equate happiness, and yet, I'm trying to satisfy someone by taking them to spend.

3. I'm used to seeing/being with friends all the time. Only, actually. Now, I'm always with family. And it's been great to be here the four of us together, but I really need some time where I interact with my peers and people. This dynamic is 110% different from that which I've grown used to, and it's kind of unsettling to spend so much time away from friends.

4. I'm not getting enough exercise. I move so little each day, it's like I'm 93-years old as well. I absolutely have got to move more. I need to be releasing as many endorphins as possible, or I will not last long here.

5. I'm used to having a variety of conversations throughout my day. With GG, it's almost always the same. And it's almost always negative. Sure we joke a lot and I love her dearly, but a even the most positive of people can only listen to someone be miserable for so long before it starts to take root in their own mind.

6. I'm used to living, essentially, alone. Right now, I am in a household full of people who are naturally-born leaders, and when you have too many leaders in one place and not enough followers, tensions are bound to rise.

What an experience.

I still thank You, God, for giving me this opportunity to practice all I believe in, to be here for my family, and to try and become a better me in the midst of many different, difficult circumstances and situations. Keep me strong.

Goodnight, I love You. <3