Observing a Developing Fear

I put a DVD in the player, push play, and sit happily through the previews. Oh how I love previews! I love them so much! These tiny snippets of films, made just to peak our interests, but leave us without knowing everything that will happen, they captivate me and bring me so much joy. Though I often feel I don't need to watch the film after I've seen the preview, with some, I say verbally or mentally, "I want to see that," or, "Don't need to see that one." Like my grandmother does as we're driving on the country roads. She points at the houses as we pass them, sometimes the occasional power box or random object (her eyesight isn't so good anymore, you see), saying, "I like that house, I like that house, I like that house, I like that house, that house is nice, I like that house," and so on and so forth. I've often thought it was to prove a point, the point she so often would make, that of "I hate where I live [and I would rather live anywhere but there]." But anyways, I digress. So, movie previews...

After all the previews play through and I've weeded out which of the upcoming films I'd like to see, which I've seen (or have I really seen that one?), and which I don't care about seeing, the actualy film begins, the feature presentation. But just as the production company's names are appearing on the screen, I suddenly get nervous... anxious... a little afraid. I don't actually want the film to begin. I don't want it to start, no, not at all. I just assume sit here and watch previews for two hours, but I don't want the feature presentation to begin! Strange, right? Why might this be?

Well, in an instant I realize how totally bizarre my adverse reaction is to the movie starting -- the movie I selected, wanted to see from the moment I saw its preview however-many-months-back, and chose to pay to rent. And as I often do, being an incredibly self-aware (in an excess of situations) and conscious human, I stop and analyze my reaction. Cue today's existential crisis...

"Why am I suddenly anxious about the film starting?"

"Because if it starts, it will have to end."

*Incredibly brief pause*

Then cuts in the flow of:

"So then what? Should I not start anything? That's ridiculous!"

"Starting things is a good thing, you have to start things in life. And finishing them is good, too. Start projects and finish them."

Which seems to finish simultaneously with the last line of the first and initial flow:

"And I do not want it to end. I do not want anything to end."

The clarity in which I observed these thoughts come about and pass by was remarkable, and enough to make me then consider what a strange thing to feel fearful of. However, when I consider my current situation, it makes perfect sense, and I am able to fairly easily derive that this developing fear is related to:

1. Having to say goodbye to my sister yesterday, after having become such good friends with her. Our relationship has forever been changed, improved I'd say, and then we had to turn around and part ways. No, it's not an end to the relationship, but the road trip has ended, our time living here together has ended, and us all being home together has ended. And just as our relationship will never be the same again as a result of our road trip, nor will it ever be the same as it was during that time (the road trip) when it got to blossom and extend so much. And,

2. The condition of my grandmother. Yesterday when I saw her, I had to hold everything in me back from breaking down, because it appeared at first that she had no idea who I was. Something I never would have expected, and something I couldn't grip. But the blankness in her gaze, and the way she kept looking at my father after looking at me, left me feeling as though she were a little wary of me, and needed confirmation from my father, someone she clearly recognized, as to the level of comfort she should feel in my presence. This in combination with the fact she didn't utter a single word, left me feeling like perhaps I would never have a converstation with my grandmother again. (One in which she verbally participated.) It made me feel like the woman I knew and relationship I enjoyed had ended, and was gone forever. And while I am happy to say she's made huge strides from where she was yesterday, it was a glimpse at the end, and truly felt like one of the greatest sources of joy in my life had been terminated.

So you see, it's not so radical that this fear would begin to develop in the midst of all this, but it has been incredibly strange to notice its development from the very seconds it made itself known to me. I'm confident I can overcome this with some self-talk and deep prayer, and that by watching and finishing this film right now, I will show myself straight away that starting things is a good thing, and finishing them doesn't do any harm.

Have you observed any oddities in yourself lately? I'd be most curious to hear about them! Please, feel free to comment below, and let's engage in an interesting conversation :)