It's Been Insane

I know it's been an incredibly long time since I last posted, but things have been so nuts here, I've been gone more than I've been around, and while there's no excuse as I'd like to be taken seriously as a writer/blogger, there just really hasn't been enough time and/or energy to drop back into the blogging world. But now things are settling down a little bit, and I presume I'll be able to get back to regular posts starting, well, like now! Yay, yay, hurray! ^_^

I'm not sure if I've even written about what's been going on in my family, but in short, on the last weekend of the cross-country roadtrip my sister and I went on, my grandmother fell, hit her head, and suffered a fairly serious brain injury because of it. Now, if you've been following along at all, you know that she is the main reason why I decided to come home, and my entire life while I'm home rotates around her. She is my axis, she is my bread and butter, she is my darling beloved and dear. So, to be gone across the country enjoying myself when such a thing happened wasn't too easy to take, and as soon as I was picked up from the airport, I went straight to the hospital to see her, at which point it didn't even seem like she knew who I was. Crushing. Truly. But thankfully, that didn't last, and she started to show signs of improving quite quickly. We were in the hospital for a week, and is now living in a nursing home in my town going through rehab. We've moved her stuff out of the assisted living facility where she was for about a month and a half (the one she "hated" and talked about on no end), and this week we're holding an estate sale to sell the remainders of her things before the new owners move into the house sometime in the coming weeks. Add all this together with a four-day festival and another four days away to work 13-hour days at a candy event with my grandparents and parents, top it off with helping to organize GG's moves and the estate sale, and you get one girl who cannot keep up with her blog, or hardly anything else in her own life!

We are all hoping that after the sale is over our lives can pick up some sort of New Normal, but that will remain to be seen. It seems that there is always something coming up to take control of all of us, causing our own lives (and bedrooms) to become a mess, while we fight to keep the other's in order.

Luckily, since attending Symbiosis Gathering in Oakdale (CA) a couple weekends back, I have really stepped into my own! I am feeling, thinking, and Being exactly as I know I should be, and better yet, as I want to be. I am embracing and expressing myself in a more honest way than before, and really starting to be unapologetic in the fact that I Am this creative, expressive, loving, wondrous woman. And one of the most amazing things about this, is that it enables me to relate to and view others in the most beautiful of ways, because I have eliminated self-judgement, which really helps to take away judgement in general! I look at people and recognize the beauty and honor in them, knowing on a deep, new level that they really are my brother or sister, and that we are all here together, and couldn't do without the other. Instead of seeing strangers I might meet, I see friends I know I have yet to know. Wow, it feels so wonderful!!

I have been blessed with a chance to express myself in one of my truest and most denied (by self and shame) art forms, dance and theater, and since have been left feeling so happy to be alive, and so grateful to simply be myself. As well as so much more open to sharing these gifts with those around me, instead of feeling insecure about them. I am now willing to admit that I would love to sing for others, dance for the world, and share my quirks and dramatic expressions with all! The truth has been released, I have begun to embrace, and my goodness gracious, how amazing it feels to express!!

My love levels are at all-time highs, and I wish more than ever I could meet and know everyone of you, bestowing on you a long, luxurious, healing hug!

It's quite an interesting time to be feeling so high on life, love, wonder, and honestly, myself (though I recognize all the glory goes to God, without whom I wouldn't be capable of feeling/Being any of this! Truth!). There is so much turmoil around me, and yet, I am feeling better than I have in a long, long, long, time! I mean, my best friend and the love of my life is not the same person she was before. It is almost as though she has died, and in many ways, I really have lost her. She now spends her days seated in a wheel chair, dosing off often, and not nearly as flirty and fun as she was before. We cannot have our daily outings, and we can hardly have conversations.

My grandfather on my mother's side has been diagnosed with two different and perilous heart conditions, which thankfully, don't seem to bother/affect him, and this past weekend we learned that not only did my other grandmother have a minor stroke AND heart attack (I have five living grandparents, a blessing that does not go uncounted on any day), but that my aunt's tumors have started to grow...again. I mean, it's not that any of it comes as such a surprise, but the timing of it all -- to be all at once -- that certainly does.

I have had a sobbing fit of a breakdown almost every day for the last few weeks, and yet, I feel more confident, happy, aligned and joyous than I can remember being in ages. It is so strange and curious -- quite the perplexing time! But by gosh am I ever oddly grateful for it!

I've no idea what's to come, but I have so many good vibes flying around and in me, my faith is carrying me through, and I trust more deeply than can be expressed, that as my beloved Bob Marley said, "Every little thing, is gonna be alright." And it really will be. For me, for you, for all of us.

Don't be frightened by the storms that are brewing around you, don't run from the clouds that try to hide your light, and don't believe for a second that things are out of control and going straight to the can! No way, no how! Not so long as Earth exists!

Please, please, please dear family, write to me and let me know if you need anything to be prayed for. My list is growing longer, my prayers growing deeper, and it would be an honor to send some sun your way. There's no reason to face anything you might be alone, and together we can! I love, cherish and admire you so much more than I can ever express. Your strength stretches far beyond that which you might know, and your energy is waiting to burn bright!

I send you all the sweetest of Blessings, the loveliest of Love, the brightest of Light, and the most immeasurable amounts of Wonder we could know!

Te quiero, te adoro, te admiro

-Allie-Sun <3