I landed in California literally five months ago today! Oh my gosh! This is actually baffling to me, and I did not realize it until I started to write a different post, which I deleted so I could do this one. I think it only appropriate to do a little check-in with myself, my time here, and all of you, to celebrate (commiserate?) the time I've been Stateside. (Is anyone still reading these posts?? Hashtag: constantquestion.)
As I've mentioned before, I couldn't have had any idea how important my coming home was going to be, but there hasn't been a single moment I've doubted I'm in the right place. With all the crazy health things happening in my family (two life-threatening heart conditions for one grandpa, a mild stroke and heart attack for one grandma, a fall/head injury for another, and a rediagnosis of cancer for my aunt), there is no room for me to wonder why the Holy Spirit put it on my heart that the one thing I needed to do after my last course in Spain was come home. And I don't say this to inflate my importance or my role here, it's just to say that: honestly, if I were in Asia right now as I figured I would be, I'd feel terrible, and be being an incredibly selfish person. And I say it really wanting to say, "OMG THANK YOU GOD SO MUCH FOR TELLING ME TO COME HOME!!!!!!! My gratitude to You for the insight You gave me to come back knows no bounds, and I cannot even begin to think too deeply on it, because I will cry. I will cry and cry and cry because I can't imagine being anywhere else right now, or not having come home." This is the sentiment that rings true and constant in and with me all the time here.
It hasn't been easy by any means, and I've come to realize that time doesn't just fly when you're having fun, but it flies by when you're stressed, emotional, taking care of someone with dementia, trying to race through life and get the day done quickly, because it's almost too unpleasant to want to/try to face/feel fully, and a slew of other things that one wouldn't exactly call "fun." And as it usually does, it took me a little while to adjust to my new setting, my new roommates (my parents), my new job(s), and get to the point where I decided I was going to make the most of this, be my best self, shine brightly, and be positive and loving in spite of whatever amount of negativity might be surrounding me and trying to inflitrate my zen zone. And up until last week, it seemed, for a while, that many of my attempts to rearrange my mind and redirect my focus, fell flat on the floor. It's been five months of highs and lows, living for the weekends, and forgetting to slow down, embrace all, and just organize myself around God, others, and gratitude.
Sitting here thinking of what I could say right now, I find I'm fairly speechless (odd, I know). I can't believe so much time has passed, and that only about one month remains of the six I set aside to be home. And even though I have now decided to return from Central America after just a couple months, versus begin a 2-3 year backpacking/volunteering journey around the world, it's still another alloted amount of time that will have come and gone before I could even grasp it all, or remember to just enjoy it all.
These past five months have included the meeting of many people I've come to care about deeply and love fondly, reunions with friends I'm glad to still have, visits with family I have come to love even more than before, adventures to new places within my own country and state, and so many new insights about myself, my family, my friends, my culture(s), and truthfully, my home country and life. There is no end to the information I have gathered, the wisdom I have gained, and the sweet moments I have shared with people all around since my return, and I am truthfully grateful for it all. Even though it's been hard, I've been facing a lot of stress and negativity, and Satan has been trying to mess with my flow, I am grateful for it all. Because I believe there is a blessing in everything, and that the hard times in life are just there to help us.
Some of the highlights of the last five months have been...
Road tripping across the country with my sister
Going on my first overnight backpacking [with a camping outside component] trip
Thanksgiving week
Symbiosis Gathering
Knowing I'm doing the right thing for my family
Seeing Yosemite for the first time
Getting into climbing
Deciding to honor my desire to become a certified yoga teacher
Embracing/expressing my sarcastic, funny self in new ways
Admitting that I really can dance, and feeling honest, not awkward, as I allow it all out
And some of the best insight I've gained since coming home is...
The USA is not a scary country, full of rapists, theives, kidnappers, and freaks. It's still pretty down-home, and people in most places are really, really nice.
California is definitely not where I want to live. While I love the nature and much else so much, it is over-populated, too expensive, and over-taxed.
You really are in charge of your perspective, and your perspective shapes everything.
Your soul knows who your forever friends are, and you'll always have each other, even if you don't see each other for many years. Some people are just meant to stick around, and you'll never outgrow each other.
There is no end to the benefit of loving yourself, placing a high value on your soul, sticking to your morals, and expressing yourself honestly.
Old people are toddlers and puppies combined into one being. They're not easy to handle, but they need you to just love them.
Everything I've learned through the experience of taking care of my demented grandma.
The last five months have been immeasurably harder than I expected them to be, and I don't think I've ever felt/lived under so much stress at any other time in my life, but I am so grateful I came home, and that this is where I have been. That said, I am also super, super ready to make some changes, and am grateful I'll be dropping myself into the middle of a place I don't know again soon. It's time to blast my brains wide open! Who knows, I may just even shock myself to the most extreme degree, and not even take a gander at anything related to Central America before I go. (Though I know from March 14-April 1 I will be doing my yoga course in Costa Rica, and will hopefully be at Envision Festival the last weekend in February!) Something about that sounds/feels so right to me, and it intrigues me on a deep, trusting level. Total freedom... total release... how sweet it is!
I hope you all have a great weekend, and that you take some time to reflect on yourself, your life, your goals and priorities, and make some lists about who you want to be, what you want to do/achieve, and then work daily on making it all happen. We have one life. One, uno, nada mas. If you were to die tomorrow, would you be content with everything you've done/are doing/are? Do you want to get to the end of your rope and then look back and see an average life, where you did everything you thought you were supposed to, but didn't really enjoy, and wish you'd maybe tried some new/different things? For myself, I can't accept this possibility, and refuse it as an option. I hope you will, too. You are so deserving of a life you're thrilled about living, and so much more.
You've got the power! Make the change! Express yourself honestly, and work towards being your best you! Life is a grand opportunity, might as well take ahold of it and live it as one!
(Hashtag yolo?)
Blessings, Love, Light & Wonder to all,
-Allie-Sun <3