The Next Step

-Grandma, I’m leaving tomorrow.

-Well, we’ll see.

-No, I’m really leaving tomorrow, I have a flight.

-For school?

-Nnnnn, well… actually, yes – yoga school.

-I don’t want you to get too fabulous.

Oh, but grandma, I already am! ;)

I still don’t think she understands that I am leaving tomorrow, but it doesn’t change it being the truth. Just like I don’t understand that today could be the last day I ever see her, but it doesn’t change it being a possibility. But after seven months of living with my parents and spending most of my waking hours with her at the nursing home, it’s time for this cycle to end.

As a matter-of-fact, I should technically be writing this from somewhere in Central America right now. It wasn’t part of the “original plan” to come home, but things transformed, two years turned into two months, turned into two weeks, and here I am in the valley. But tomorrow, I go again!

I fly right back on into that pura vida way of life, and will be there, “for sure”, until the beginning of April. From there, I don’t know what will happen. I’ve officially been given the greenlight not to come back, to pursue my gypsy dreams. What an odd and empowering thing it is to know I can go anywhere and do anything again. The umbilical cord has been cut, my life is almost mine once more.

Envision starts on Thursday or Friday, and my soul couldn’t be more ready for it! To dance amid the tress of the jungle is just what I need to release and heal from the last seven months. I’ve been doing the right thing by being home, and haven’t thought for a second I should be anywhere else, but that’s a far cry from meaning it’s been easy. After all, who could have known that less than two months after my return, my grandma would fall and suffer brain damage? No, never have I believed I wasn’t in the right place. But now, now it is time for me to return to really, truly living. I’ve served my grandma and family, and it’s time to return to a life of less stress.

After Envision, I have a couple of weeks to float around. A couple of my closest friends will be there, so my expectations for adventure are quite high! It’s been at least two years since the three of us were together, and considering we’ll be coming off a festival and have many new friends, I don’t doubt we’re going to find ourselves in some amazing places when it ends. And it’s all culminating to me taking a next step in my own life: becoming certified to teach yoga!

For a few years now, I’ve thought it would be a good thing for me to do – get certified and begin sharing this life-changing practice with others. But some part of me always stopped the thought. Somehow I’d convinced myself I was being egotistical, that being good at it was just an illusion, me inflating my own head. Me, teach yoga? Who am I to share this with others? I’m no guru! I’m a naturally anxious-nervous person, who is constantly battling a mind sick with judgement and criticism. And my favorite target? Myself, of course, and those closest to me. Hah! What kind of spiritual teacher could I be!? The hypocritical kind, that’s for sure. The kind that wants to transmit peace and love, but instead transmits fear and loathing.

But not anymore! I no longer give in to these thoughts, nor do I let the devil have this control of my mind! Because what I’m really sick with is love, passion for people, and a desire to help them, teach them, and show them how great life can be. I’m sick with a desire to inspire, and make a positive difference in the world. That is the outweighing aspect, not this person I’ve tried to run from and hide.

I was able to overcome these self-deprecating thoughts enough to decide that, “YES! Yes I AM qualified to teach other people! Yes, I AM an inspiration to others! Yes, I HAVE immeasurable value! Yes! Yes! Yes!” (“YES! I DO LOVE MYSELF!” Now that was the really empowering one!) So, I made a deposit.

Of course it took me spinning around in a thousand circles to decide which date and place were the right ones for me. Of course I immediately regretting making the deposit and thought, “I think actually the other one is better,” as soon as the payment went through. And of course I still wonder if I’m doing the right thing. But all those things, I push aside. I let them linger for only for a moment. Because when I envision myself sharing yoga with others, being allowed into this space of teacher, healer and guide, everything inside feels right. I am soaring on the promises of these thoughts, and they confirm that I am qualified. This is my role.

For years I have known that I am a healer, for years I have seen that I can teach, and for years I have wanted to bring teaching and healing together to improve people’s lives. This is just the first step, and I am so proud I’ve finally accepted I can and should. So glad to have dedicated myself to making it happen. So tomorrow I leave, tomorrow I go back, tomorrow I continue the trip I thought I’d still be on. It’s a big step towards independence, freedom, and seizing opportunities, to opening myself back up, and following the flow. I am so ready! Maybe I’ll come back, maybe I won’t, the glory is in going, not knowing, and walking comfortably in trust.

Thank You, God, for Your Peace.

Thank You, God, for Your Love.

Thank You, God, for Your Light.

Thank You, thank You, thank You!

#GoWithGod #MakeYourOwnReality #TraveltoTrust