My Return Journey to Myself

The last four months have been such a wild ride. I've spent most of them working at fairs around California and Minnesota, totally embracing the carni lifestyle. Within five minutes of being at the first one, I realized I'd never been taken to the fair as a child, then just as soon, I realized why (something I'm not really going to get into right now). To say it's been an interesting experience is an understatement, to say I'm grateful the season has ended is not. Because while I learned a lot, met a lot of great people, scored an epic deal on a Vitamix, and made a fair amount of money (no pun intended), working in sales at the fairs is so draining, it left me little space for anything else.

I can't remember the last time I spent more than 15 minutes in meditation, 10 minutes doing asanas, or five minutes doing pranayama. Nor can I recall the last time I went to church, wrote on the blog, climbed outside, or went on a hike. And prior to last Thursday, I couldn't tell you the last day I'd had that didn't involve a single aspect of work life. Because when you have a day off from this kind of work, where the workday is anywhere from 10-16 hours long and there are endless tasks to accomplish, you can't really fathom doing too much other than reserving your energies for the next round that's coming. We tend to call the work days "going to war," and on a lot of days, that's just what it feels like.

I've never had to work that hard in my life, I'll be honest, not even when trying to "control" a room full of 30 Spanish pre-teens. My powers of manifestation are strong, and God has always blessed me big, so things have come pretty easily, and I've tended to get what I want along the way. But in this line of work, as well as many others, if you want success to come, you've got to bust your butt for it! If you want to be the best, do the best, have the best, you've got to give it your best, be your best, and work your hardest. There's no giving up, no quitting half-way through, and no such thing as sitting back and letting it just come. This is one of the many lessons I've learned through the experience of working in sales like this - one of the lessons I've learned, that I needed to learn, and one of the reasons I'm so very grateful to have endured this wild grind.

In order to succeed in sales, you've got to be confident, authentic, and tough. It's a delicate blend, and once you get the hang of it, it can be really fun. But this kind of work is not for everyone, and it's time for me to take a break! I'm now entering an equally as wild-a-time, but for entirely different reasons...

For the first time since I graduated college, I do not have a super-clear directive in life. When I graduated, I took the initiative, went down to LA, and got myself a job. Then, when my contract was ending, I received my acceptance to go to Spain. Clear next step delivered. From there, I was told directly to go home, and in the States I have remained for the greater part of the last year. But there has not been any really clear message laid upon my heart about where and what is next, which is slightly concerning, but I thank God for my faith [as it allows me to press back the worries a bit].

I have been feeling strangely called to move back to LA for a while, and considering it really is the land of opportunity, it's a great place to go to "restart". But, it's expensive, and the cost of living there makes me a little apprehensive, which plays nicely into all the fears that try to tug at me when I consider this move.

What if I don't find enough work to support myself there? What if I'm paying rent on a place, but want to travel a lot and can't afford both? Should I just move somewhere less expensive (AKA a different country) and base myself from there? Don't I also feel the jungle calling me back? Am I supposed to move to Guatemala? What else is out there? Is LA really where I'm supposed to go? How many yoga classes will I have to teach to pay my rent? Can I even support myself that way? What if I'm not even ready to teach yoga? It's been so long since I've had my own practice, how can I share it with others? Do I even remember everything they taught me in my training? What the heck are the names of those poses in Sanskrit? How am I supposed to start a candy company, where one of the main ingredients of my products is dairy, when I'm transitioning into a plant-based diet? Is there a "happy cow dairy farm" in the LA area? How do I make sure I'm not contributing to the mess the industry is making in the world? What if I am supporting animal abuse? Is this business even possible for me, or is it too far in opposition to all I stand for? Is it even my calling? My dad got the message on that one, not me, what if it's not what I'm meant to pursue? What other work will I do if I need to pick up another job? Am I making things too complicated? (Of course!) Should I just go live in Central America? It's cheaper there, life is easier there, am I heading the wrong direction? Why am I so tired? What if all I want to do is travel? How long will it take for me to reach my goals? BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH!!!! WHATTHEFFFFFFF!!!!!!!

Silence!

Breathe.

Smile.

Pray.

It's all okay.

The cycle. The viscous, perpetuating, evil cycle of Satan. He will stop at nothing to keep us from pursuing our passions and therefore living out our dreams! He will throw every wrench he can find at our minds just to prevent us from fulfilling God's Great Plan! Because there is nothing more dangerous for the kingdom of darkness, than an ignited, amazing person, living with passion and purpose. Especially when they're living for the Lord! And make no mistakes, I Am!

Since yesterday, these questions (fears, anxieties, doubts, etc) have been infiltrating my mind, so this morning to recenter myself I wrote down my dreams again:

To teach yoga around the world and spread Your Light!

It's all I've been wanting for so long, and before I took such a long "leave of absence from myself," I really felt it was what I had been called to do. After spending a while caught up in consumerism, it's hard to feel adequate for the role, but already I've started my return journey to myself - my real, true, bright shining self. And I know it's only a matter of time before I once again feel right to step into the shoes He's made me to fill. After all, everything we experience, encounter, cultivate and create is part of the journey, part of what makes us who we are, and gets us where we're going. It's all about how we look at the things He brings into our lives, and how we assimilate them - as blessings, or as burdens, take the lesson, or take the beating. Now I feel stronger than before, more capable of working hard for what I want, and I'm better adept at setting goals and pushing myself forward to reaching them; things that will help me greatly along the way in life. And for all of that, I am eternally grateful!

Anyways, I'm on a liquid fast today, and it's the first day of my moon, so my womb is a slightly writhing place right now, and my mind is a little tired. This past month was the most exhausting one I might have ever lived, between the hours of the show, going to Vegas, and then embracing Symbiosis Gathering again, so I apologize if this post doesn't flow the way some other things around here are. ;-) But, I wanted to get something up, as it's been many months, and this is what came out of my current creativity!

I pass many blessings, and a sweet, nurturing, deep love your way dearests. I love you all so much, and even though I was a bit cranky the last months, I never stopped smiling!

Have a beautiful week Earth Fam, see you again soon!

xx