I'm Sorry My Anxiety Kept Me From Calling

Within the last couple months I read a post titled "Sorry for the times my depression and anxiety made me a bit of a rubbish friend," and it struck a lot of chords within me. Within the last couple weeks, I've been orienting myself around what I really want - to be, to do, to have, to accomplish. And by doing so, I've been forced to face a lot of truths about myself. Always a little scary, but always a good thing.

Through this assertion-of-self, I have established that writing, public speaking, and teaching/healing through movement (think: yoga and dance!) are still the things I want to do. This is what I want to make up my life. The answer has been the same for years!

So why am I not doing them?

And why do I want to be involved with people, when I am one of the worst at keeping in touch with those already in my life?

Anxiety.

Sometimes depression.

And A LOT of insecurity.

I remember having social anxiety dating back to junior high, and suffering from it in a particularly harsh and detrimental way throughout college. Which, if you know me, is probably very hard to believe. But after I explain a little, you'll probably be able to see how applicable it is, and understand some of my strange behaviors and addiction better.

In the past, and even many times now, when I knew I was going to have to spend even five minutes alone with someone, I would start to panic.

I would stress about what to talk about, what to say, what would we do, how to behave, if they would enjoy the time with me, and "OH MY GOSH WHY isn't there going to be anyone else there as a buffer???" I would get caught up trying to think of what other people said in situations like these, and trying to figure out how 'normal' people would handle something as simple as a ten minute car ride from A to B. And the worst part? This was even the case if those five minutes were going to be spent with my best friend!

Usually in a social setting I would suggest adding some sort of mind-altering substance to the mix. That way I could ensure I would be more relaxed, and able to release myself from my rigid inhibitions. (VERY dangerous habit. Not good.)

For some reason this thing happens to me after knowing someone for a while... I have a really hard time forgetting about the things that bother me, and they start to consume me. They become the only thing I can see, and then all else is lost. It's as if I expect that throughout the course of knowing someone, they should become a different person (become what I want them to be - which is, when I really think about it, not like me, because I can, like all others, be very easily annoyed with people that are too much like me. We are w e i r d, huh!?).

It's sickening to say, and I am so sorry.

I know this is not right, I know this is not the way the world works, how friendships go, or why you enter into relationships with anyone. The goal is not to change them, at least it shouldn't be. I'd like to blame it on the healer in me, but really, it's ego. Because who am I to decide which behaviors someone should and shouldn't display? It's not like mine are always amazing. There are many, many things about me I don't want to rub off on others. And I can't say that it's just because I believe I know what makes people feel better, because we are all different. "Many paths, one truth." The way I find my truth is not the way everyone else needs to find theirs. What's best and healthy for me might not work for the next person in line. So why does this happen?

I have no idea.

And I do not like it at all.

But that is how it is, how I remember it always being.

It's something I've at least been aware of for a very long time, and tried to work on. I truly believe that as long as what we're doing isn't harming anyone else or the universe, then what does it really matter? Of course I'd love to see all of us on a path that is directed at a higher place, serving something other than ourselves and our egos, but the reality of it is, you can't expect all the beautiful humans on earth to walk the same straight. I know I'd be bored if we were all the same anyways!

Somewhere along the way, I also forget to have fun and enjoy life/the ride. I get serious, pensive, tired and bored, and instead of just switching things up for myself, I want to try and drag everyone else along with me. Again, people of my life, I love you, and I am sorry.

One thing I've allowed to overly-affect me I'd say, is that I have never felt like I really fit in. I would watch the people, the groups and pairs of friends around me, and be amazed at how they seemed to connect. Their interactions seemed so natural, something I just didn't feel. Energetically, I always felt like there was a wall, a blocker, a little resistant push. I didn't know what to call it at the time, but I was always feeling it, sensing it, interpreting it - energy. Because when you're scared of saying the wrong thing, and don't feel like you belong anyways, you spend a lot of time observing; watching, learning, trying to decipher. Especially as a little kid, I was always striving to fit in. I never made my own choices. If my best friend's favorite color was grey, mine was grey. If the person I wanted to be friends with liked blue, I liked blue.

This only progressed as I got older, though I did start to establish some tastes of my own, and I have DEFINITELY found people that I "click" with in a beautiful, natural way like I'd watched others doing all those years. There have been plenty of times I was the trend-setter instead of follower, and in sports and school projects, I was always one of the leaders. It's very strange to me that I have suffered such insecurity in life, because I don't remember ever trying something and being bad at it. But maybe that's how it goes... expectations arise, hopes and dreams come in strong, [family] issues affect you, and the world tries to tell you you aren't realistic, so you get scared and forget to believe in yourself. Actually, it runs in my family.

A few of us are plagued by the fear of failing, and let our insecurities keep us from going after what we really want. I'm not making excuses, I'm just trying to find out why, and to apologize to those it's affected along the way.

I watch people who have long-lasting friendships, and I envy them. I mostly dream of talking to the people I've known over the years, instead of actually doing it. I'm working on it - getting over this feeling that I am being intrusive, annoying, and invasive. I tell myself that people love me, want to be in touch, and that me calling them to catch up is a great thing, a vital thing. It doesn't make it less scary to press the call button, but it's better than waiting around for my phone to ring, just so I can watch the screen, debating whether or not to answer. I don't even call my boyfriend as much as I want to, because I don't want him to think I'm "too much." It's twisted. And that is why I'm coming out with it.

I release all this into the ether, so that it can lose its power over me.

I release it into the public, so that people like me can be more understood.

I release all of this, so we can know we're not alone, and remember that people DO want to hear from us!

I release it from my being, so I can be free, happy, and go after the things I want in life!

I'm tired of longing for deeper relationships, ones where we talk all the time, roll around laughing at nothing, and feeling like children. I'm tried of wishing I was still in touch with people because I really, really love and like them. I'm tired of having no idea what is happening in the lives of people I consider my closest and most favorite friends, and even referring to them as that when it feels like it can't be true, because a good friend is present in your life (or maybe this is just something I've allowed myself to believe? Input?). I'm tired of letting my fear, anxiety and insecurity cause me pain and keep me from loving and living fully. SO I ENACT CHANGE NOW!

Yesterday I called one of my closest friends. She didn't know who was calling, because I got a new number...five months ago. But instead of letting myself focus on and fall into that self-deprecating spin cycle, I am focusing on how happy she was to hear from me, and how excited we were to talk! Love! She loves me! I love her! We love each other!

And this is the case with most of the people we want to call but don't!

To many, one phone call to one friend is no big deal at all, something that happens daily, if not multiple times a day. But to those of us who suffer anxiety, one phone call to someone that's real (because it's VERY easy to play out make-believe situations), is a huge step! And this weekend, I'm taking another!

One of my closest friends from college is getting married, and I will see the group of friends I had in my last couple years at uni. Of course my anxiety is trying to kick in, reminding me that I'm going to have to conversate with people I haven't seen in nearly 1 1/2 years, but I am finding that just by writing this, I'm keeping it at bay, and instead, bringing in excitement. Just another step towards feeling happier in my skin, and happier in my life!

I've realized that the moral of the story is acceptance, and positive self-talk. We spend a lot of time in a fantasy land, talking to ourselves anyways, so why not make it a great thing!? Instead of saying, "Don't call him/her, you've got nothing important to say anyways, and it's been so long. They haven't called you, so they probably don't care to hear from you." Say, "Oh my gosh! I love him/her so much! They are such an amazing person, and I would LOVE to know what's going on in their life, how they're doing! And it will be so nice for them to be reminded that someone cares for them and is interested in how they're doing!" Also, instead of telling ourselves that we are weirdo-freaks, we can say, "Wow I'm an amazing person and I love myself!" Simply saying, "I love you," to yourself, can be the hardest thing. I once started crying when I realized the words didn't want to come out. But I kept at it, meditating five minutes a day love to myself, and it changed everything around me. Because it all comes back down to loving ourselves in the end!

When we love and accept ourselves, others can to. Confidence is contagious, and people want to be around others that are having fun being alive and being themselves. That's just how it works!

So pick up the phone, or even start with an email if using your vocal chords seems too crazy, but make a step towards living with less fear today! Send a quick message, just telling them how beautiful they look in a photo they've recently posted, or simply saying, "Just wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts, hope all is amazing!" Anything, something, it doesn't have to spark a conversation with depths like the ocean. That's not the point! Not everything in life has to be deep, sometimes it's amazing to just laugh for no reason or do something silly! And if you need some support, I promise I will not back away, no matter what my anxiety tries to say!

If this resonates at all, I encourage you to not be shy in reaching out, letting me know so. And if you know someone that has and does display behavior like this, I hope that maybe now you understand them a little more. Maybe go that extra inch so they feel comfortable coming to you, too. Life is all a little give-and-take, and we've got to look out for each other along the way!

I hope this week has been beautiful for you, and you have a blessed rest of it!

Blessings, Love, Light & Wonder

A.D.D. AllieSun <3